Hazardous To One's Health
by Writer With Sprite
Summary: The K-Unit kidnap Alex Rider. Oneshot, complete.


The K-Unit kidnap Alex Rider. Oneshot, complete.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Although I might be getting a new laptop for me today. Keep your fingers crossed!

Warnings: Oh, just the usual Potty Mouth from Eagle...

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><p>"For the last time, Eagle, no." Wolf sighed as he put the birthday card down. "We cannot get a sixteen-year-old kid, grab him, stuff him in the back of the car, and then go and celebrate his birthday with him."<p>

"But… he's not sixteen!" Eagle said, looking for the one loophole in Wolf's statement. "He's fifteen. I stalked him on Facebook, and I found him, and it was _fifteen_! Yes, that was his age! So… we can throw him in the trunk of the car!"

Fox buried his face in his hands.

Snake attempted to intervene. "Eagle. Throwing someone in the trunk of the car is hazardous to their health. You know that, right? Besides, don't you think the kid's parents would bring us up on kidnapping charges?"

Eagle briefly considered this and then shook his head. "No, no, no. They wouldn't do that. _Especially_ because his parents are dead."

Wolf groaned out loud. "Okay, fine. His guardian, then. Obviously he has one of those."

"I don't think she'd mind."

"Eagle, wouldn't you mind if someone kidnapped your sixteen year old kid – _on his birthday, _none the less?"

"She's out of town for the week. Alex posted it on his Facebook."

"Alex?" Snake asked, raising an eyebrow.

Fox spoke up for the first time. "Alex is also known as Cub."

"See, Fox knows!" Eagle said with a grin. He used the moment that Wolf was distracted to snatch his car keys. "Wolf, you better come with me if you want these back!"

"Oh, God," Wolf moaned as Eagle darted out the door, "please don't let the kid be home."

Fox snickered. "We'll go pick up some cake. Maybe that's all Eagle really wants."

Snake smacked Fox on the back of the head as the three made to leave the building, Wolf having to race to keep from having his car stolen.

* * *

><p>Well, this sucked. Jack had said she'd be here, but then a last-minute decision had swept her back to the United States. Truthfully, Alex did not mind. This would ensure that the MI6 couldn't blackmail him anymore. Jack was going to become a legal UK resident and get a visa.<p>

It was his birthday present, she said. Then, when she adopted him, they were going to celebrate. She would be back tomorrow morning.

But that still left the day.

Contrary to what Eagle had thought, Alex had not posted on his Facebook page that he would be home alone. He had posted on his page that Jack wouldn't be there for his birthday, which Eagle had translated into him being home alone. He and Tom had gone to the movies last night, Tom's treat, and he knew that Sabrina was sending him something in the mail.

But it still sucked, being alone. Normally, he didn't mind, but on his birthday?

He sighed and shook his head, mildly wondering what to do as he heard the back door creek open.

* * *

><p>"Eagle, you can't go in there."<p>

"Yes, yes, I canz, I canz!" Eagle grinned at Wolf, flashing a smile that had Wolf smacking him on the back of the head. Eagle fished around, glancing under a few places.

"What are you doing, Eagle? I swear to God, we're going to get arrested!"

"Maybe you are, but I'm not. I have the key." Eagle grinned as he showed it to Wolf.

"The kid isn't going to come with us willingly, Eagle. I don't care if he added you on Facebook. He and I aren't exactly on the best terms."

"Oh, that's okay," Eagle said dismissively. "I brought ski masks."

"_Why_ did I go with you again?"

* * *

><p>Two men. Walking through his house. Wearing dark clothes and ski masks.<p>

Shit.

Well, this certainly wasn't how he planned on spending his birthday. Swallowing hard, Alex maneuvered to his room. Or at least, he attempt too.

The two goons didn't move anywhere except after him. Trying to keep them in his eyesight was difficult, but he could do…

Before he knew anything, one of them grabbed him, wrapping their arms around his stomach. Alex attempted to fight back and was two seconds away from screaming before the hand clamped over his mouth.

Then everything went black.

* * *

><p>"Eagle, you shouldn't have hit him!" Wolf said as Eagle dumped the kid in the back seat of the car, his hands handcuffed firmly behind his back, a gag wrapped around his mouth.<p>

"But he was about to scream!"

"You don't hit him, though! That's flipping child abuse!"

"Just get in the car and drive! When we get back to our place, Snake can make him all better!"

"I swear to God, Eagle, if we get charged for this –"

"Then the sergeant can make it all better!"

If Wolf wouldn't have been driving right then, he would have buried his face in his hands and groaned, but he was _driving_.

He really hoped that Eagle was right, and Snake could make the kid feel better, or he was going to castrate Eagle.

Heck, he might do that anyway.

* * *

><p>Alex groaned, trying to move around in his seat, but he couldn't. His hands had been handcuffed behind his back, and a blindfold had been covered over his eyes.<p>

Who had done this? A thousand possibilities ran through his mind, none of whom he was satisfied with. He didn't think that it was Scorpia, although he didn't know why. He forced himself to take a calming breath as he heard the car pull to a stop.

God, his head hurt…

Suddenly, the door opened, and he heard voices.

_Familiar _voices. "You got the kid?" one voice asked.

"Yup. You got the cake?" another voice asked.

Oh, no. What did they mean by 'cake'? Whatever it was, Alex knew that it would be nothing good.

Nothing good at all.

"Is he unconscious?" another man cried. Alex knew that instantly – it was Snake. Man, Snake was such a mother-hen…

…wait, if that was Snake, and he heard Eagle's voice…

"We'll have to figure that out when we get inside. Let's move along, shall we? Don't want anyone to think we're actually kidnapping the kid in broad daylight."

Alex had to suppress a snort at that. So, what, it was better to kidnap him under the cover of darkness? How long had he been out?

With that, the door opened, and he was inside.

"Okay, Eagle. Set the kid down _gently_," Snake instructed. "I'm going to go get some ibuprofen, since you decided to _hit him on the head_!"

Alex started to stir, deciding that now would be a good time to wake answers.

"Eagle, take the handcuffs off the kid, please," another voice said. Much to his surprise, it was Wolf. Wait – Wolf was petitioning for his better treatment?

"Why?" Eagle asked, innocent as usual. "Does this feel like a kinky sex scene?"

"EAGLE!" Wolf bellowed, a cry that Alex was sure that he could have heard from his own house, and he could hear a loud smack.

"Fox! Wolf hit me!" Eagle whined, obviously hoping the other SAS man would be a mediator. Alex could feel his handcuffs being unlocked, but remained silent until the gag was gently removed.

"Eagle, you didn't have to be so rough with the kid," Fox began. Alex decided to feign sleep for a little longer, deciding that listening to Eagle getting chewed out would be fun.

"But Wolf said that he wouldn't come with us willingly!"

Yeah, maybe it was time to wake up now and figure out what the heck was going on. Alex groaned, slowly starting to stretch as if he was just coming out of unconsciousness.

He blinked. He had been right. The K-Unit, especially a grinning Eagle, was there.

And then there was Snake, who handed him two painkillers and a glass of water. "Hey," he said, "sorry you had to be exposed to Eagle first."

"What's going on?" Alex asked, sleepily.

"Well, Eagle had the idea that you were home alone because your guardian had stuff to do, so he decided it wasn't fair for you to be home alone on your birthday, so he decided to kidnap you so that you would have company."

Alex had to stare at the man in shock. "Fox, tell me something. How _did Eagle _get in the SAS?"

"We think he bribed the sergeant," Fox whispered back in a hushed voice. "So, what do you think? Are you up for some pizza and cake, or did Eagle knock you on the head to hard?"

"Wait," Alex said, still confused. "I thought this was Eagle's idea."

"It was." Fox shrugged. "We just decided to go along with it because we had nothing better to do. Well, that was my reasoning. Snake wanted cake, and Wolf wanted to make sure Eagle didn't steal his car."

Alex stared at Wolf. "You let Eagle drive your _car_?"

"Oh, no. I drove it. By the way, we won't kidnap you for your twenty-first birthday," Wolf said as Alex rose, ready to follow the others into the kitchen. He hated to admit it, but pizza did sound good. "We have a unanimous rule not to give Eagle alcohol."

"Or caffeine, or sugar," Fox said. "It's in his Dietary Chart. Snake makes sure all the new recruits get it when they go to training and we have refresher training."

Alex had to laugh at that. Okay, his day wasn't actually so bad. "So… you don't give him caffeine, and yet there's caffeine here?"

"Hmm," Snake said, glancing at Eagle, who was already pouring himself a cup of Mountain Dew. "Maybe I should have thought of that before I picked out the drinks."

"Yeah, just maybe," Alex said, eyeing Eagle. It looked like today wasn't going to be a boring day after all.

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><p>AN: If you laughed at least once, review!

And remember, he who laughs last, thinks slowest!

And the review button will threaten anyone who doesn't review for me... *grins*


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